you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
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