You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
