the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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