We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
