Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
