i permit you to call me
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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