I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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