My friends, they love my intelligence
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
