You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
