I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
