the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
