i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
