There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
