just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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