just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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