She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
