im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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