Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
