peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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