He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
