if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
