new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
