I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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