They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
