If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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