i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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