You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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