idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i will never coherently bang her
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
