Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize