connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I want to be your penis for a week.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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