Just cropdusted the office
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
