Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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