I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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