I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Randomize
