If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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