I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
