Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
