I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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