Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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