I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
