I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
