ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
