I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
