what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize