Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize