So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
