I wish life had little blips of pornography
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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