wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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