I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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