Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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