He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
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