go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
