Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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