I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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