if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
