I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
