Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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