this beer tastes like vomit already
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
