Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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