I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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