I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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